Proceed with Caution

You would think one of the first things I would have done was to write about the "wonderful" news I got this past Wednesday. Along with the wonderful news that I am indeed pregnant is the terror and fear that this is all just a dream and not real.

I actually typed.....I am pregnant! After 16 cycles, 5 IUI's, 3 on injectible meds, I got the message that I am indeed pregnant. My beta test was Wednesday, August 17, 2005 and the message said, "I hope you are sitting down for this....CONGRATULATIONS, you ARE pregnant!" I didn't believe it. I even called the RE's office to make sure a mistake wasn't made.

My HSG was 25. My progesterone was 37. My estrogen was 241. All numbers were "nice" according to Linda....The heads nurse.

I can't help but be scared. The first thing I did was to go out and buy a ton of HPTs. I took them and got the faintest of faint lines. Sure....With an HCG of 25 they would be faint. It is now 3 days later and they are still very faint. So faint that if I took a picture of them the lines wouldn't show up. My only consolation is AF has not arrived and my temp is still up. The CBE digital test still says "PREGNANT".

I go back for a repeat beta on Monday and it can't get here fast enough.

I had a dream last night. The dream was that after my beta on Monday, my HCG did not double and it looks like this pregnancy is a fluke - a chemical pregnancy. Not real. Since we had to cancel the consultation with the RE, I had to schedule another one after AF shows. Well, AF took her sweet time and I couldn't get into the RE for the consult for months. The IVF was delayed and we couldn't do it this year.

With JT I never had any faint HPT lines. They always got darker. I had some early pregnancy symptoms, too. This time...Nothing. I did have some cramps on Thursday which led me running into the bathroom to see if AF arrived. Nope. Not here. My breasts certainly aren't tender. I am not any more tired than normal. I keep telling myself every pregnancy is different. I know this. But my heart is having trouble believing it.

I can't help but think this won't stick. I can't help but think this is a cruel joke.

I am definitely proceeding with caution.