Stealing an Idea

Well, I finally got the courage up to read 2 blogs that had crossed my path. It's funny....They are at two ends of the spectrum....One is dealing with everyday life and dealing with the loss of a child and the other one is dealing with a second pregnancy. Both touched my heart in different ways. I decided to start my own blog. I am stealing the idea because I am hoping it proves to help me. Actually, I have a journal on my computer at home in Word. I started it a month or so ago and there is only 1 entry. I am hoping that I will write more regularly in this forum. I am not a writer. I figured this would be a good way not only to get some of the things that have been on my mind out, but perhaps someday I will be able to share this with others. I can only hope that someday I will have the pleasure to share this with my children so they know how much they are loved and wanted.

So...Here I am.

This is my 16th cycle of TTC a 2nd child. I had no idea it would ever be this hard emotionally or financially. Tom and I started this journey over one year ago when my son was just 4 months old. We wanted 3-4 children and knew we wanted them all close together. I always said I didn't want to have kids when I was 38 if I could help it. I may have to change my thinking. I am 34 and am still waiting for that elusive BFP after 14 months. I guess things don't always work out the way you plan.

I am on my 3rd injectible medicated cycle and 5th IUI cycle. This is our last shot at IUI before we need to discuss further options with our RE. I feel like I am at the end of the rope - we don't have many more options left to us and the emotional toll is sometimes too overwhelming. IVF and adoption seem to be the only thing left we can do - both of which have hefty price tags attached.

Today is not one of my better days. I didn't get the news I wanted from the doctor. My follicles are growing, but it appears only one is going to get mature.

I also got word that my cousin had her baby yesterday. Alexandria Lee is her name. I was told she was named after my mom, Marilee, who passed away March 9, 2005. While the thought of it is wonderful, I can't help but be angry - my mom never went by the name Lee and I feel it is my place to name a child after my own mother.