When will it be my turn?

I saw "her" again. The pregnant lady that works on my floor. I saw her not five minutes after finding out another friend of mine is pregnant with her second child. And there was another...on the elevator...not as far along (so it appeared) as the woman on my floor, but definitely pregnant. I am surrounded.

What water are they drinking and where can I get some?

I can't escape it.

And I was stupid enough to test this morning. I tested because I want to be prepared for that message from the doctor telling me "[I] am NOT pregnant". It is easier to see only 1 line on the test than hear the nurses voice on the voice mail. I hear the disappointment in the nurses voice. You can't imagine the disappointment I feel.

I think what hurts most is that ladies I know who were trying to conceive another child after I started this journey have already had their babies. I wonder why it is so hard this time around. I was not prepared for this at all.

I wonder if I will ever accept only having 1 child. I wonder if my wonderful husband will accept having only 1 child. I wonder if he will ever resent me for it.

People think adoption is always an option. Is it though? If you want a child bad enough, you do anything, right? I suppose this is a correct statement, but there is something about having your own. There is something about being pregnant again. There is something about a desire so strong and heart wrenching that adoption just doesn't seem plausible at the moment.

I am exausting every option and draining our life savings to have another child. Another child both my husband and I so desperately want.....and need.