Why Can't I Be Normal?

Lately, I have more down days than up days and today is par for the course. I see pregnant woman all of the time - their lovely round bellies protruding, their hands rubbing a spot where the baby is sticking out; I long to feel that way again. I want JT to experience how wonderful it is to have a sibling. I want to share all the love in the world I have for JT with another child.

Disappointment again.

I wish I didn't know about TTC. I wish I didn't know my body so well. I wish I was one of those ladies who says, ooops.....I got pregnant!

I went back to the RE today. Second day in a row. The nurse only looked at my left side. The second follicle seemed to catch up a bit to the first so I had 2 pretty nice size follicles - 18mm and 16mm. Everything looked pretty good and we just needed to confirm what we saw on the u/s with the blood results.

And now my world has collapsed once again.

My E2 level was 202 yesterday. That is pretty decent for 2 almost mature eggs. Well, the results are in today and my E2 is a whole point higher at 203. It was not the news I wanted to hear. I started to cry. Why can't my body be normal? Why can't someone find something wrong so we at least know what to fix? I hear anatomically, it is difficult for me to get pregnant. The IUI should fix that. It hasn't. I had a progesterone problem a couple of months ago and never before had that issue. Now my estrogen level is low. What else can go wrong with me? This is not something that can be rationalized. This is not something I can control. I have to accept it and don't want to. Why can't I just be normal?

My husband and soulmate has put up with so much over the last months. My moodiness and depression don't seem to phase him. I love him so very much and hate that we have to go through this.

My final IUI is scheduled for Thursday. I am not feeling very good about it and even have a call into the RE to ask the nurses why I am triggering tonight.

I don't know what is next for us. I know what it could be, but I am just not sure we have the means to do it. We want a child so desperately and would do anything to have one....and may have to.