Nothing to do with Valentine's Day

I got on the scale this morning and it showed that I lost 5.5 lbs. I am very happy about that and on my way to losing 40-50 before my next possible attempt at IVF. Tom mentioned how proud he was of me to be dedicated to this effort. I have to try everything I possibly can to get pg and if this has a remote chance of helping, then I have to do it. Why? Because then I can't blame myself which I do now....almost daily.

Tom says a little prayer every night before we eat dinner. Every night he asks god to bless us with another child. Every night he prays for our friends who are struggling with things and family members who are sick and he thanks god for blessing us with so much; jobs, JT, a nice home, etc. The other night when Tom was saying this prayer, he said something like I knows god listens....and I blurted out of nowhere....no he doesn't. Tom looked at me in shock. I said if god listened, we would have another child and my mom wouldn't be dead.

Things have a funny way of coming out. I didn't realize how angry and hurt I am about not only not being able to conceive, but losing my mom.

I miss her. I miss her a lot. On March 9, 2006 it will be 1 year since she has passed and I remember it like yesterday. Her room remains the same. Her bathroom linen closet remains the same. I really haven't made the time to clean it out.

Like this blog entry, I start with one thought and other thoughts come flooding in my head. My head is in chaos. I am organized and put together on the outside, but chaos on the inside.

And to top it off, I got my pre-AF zit this morning - the right side of my chin.