Where has the time gone?

I can't believe I haven't written since Sept. 6. So much has happened since then. We did sign those consent forms for IVF and actually proceeded with doing an IVF cycle. I didn't get very far. After 3 weeks of Lupron and a cyst that made AF stay away for a longer time than normal, I ended up being canceled because my ovaries didn't feel like working! Not 1 little follicle after 9 days of stimulating drugs. That was such a huge disappointment. The RE blamed it on the Lupron. He said it over-suppressed me even though all my bloodwork indicated I should not have been oversuppressed. As disappointing as it was, we decided to try again.

Another month of BCP's later we were on our way. I didn't have to take Lupron this time so I thought everything would be great! It was the beginning of November. I remember going in for my first follie checking u/s. I was nervous and excited. But then the disappointment again. I took it harder this time. I had 1 follicle. We were discussing being converted to an IUI cycle. I just wanted to curl up in a ball. About 2 weeks later, as I expected, AF showed. I never did go in for a beta.

We maxed out our drug benefit for infertility drugs. It was December. The holidays were coming. I was having a hard time with the month because I miss my mom dearly. This was the first December holiday without her. We decided to try another injectible/IUI cycle. We used double the dose of Gonal-F this time. I had 2-3 follies by the time I was ready to trigger. My E2 (estradiol) level had never been higher. It was 538!!! I was so excited this may be it. We were going to do back to back IUI's (2 IUI's in 2 days vs. Just 1 for the cycle). This HAD to be it.

AF arrived Christmas Eve of all things. Thanks.

My wonderful DH and I decided to take some time off. I was tired of being a lab rat. We needed time to catch up on bills. IF "treatment" is expensive when your company finds a loophole and doesn't have to cover the expensive stuff.

I did seek out a second opinion in late December while doing that last IUI cycle. The second RE agreed with my RE about the medications I am taking and recommended 2 different protocols. She also said to lose weight and their center wouldn't do an IVF cycle with me unless my BMI was 30 or less. OK. Like that is going to happen in the next few months. I am almost 35. Tick tock tick tock....The clock is speeding up....

January resulted in the longest cycle in my life other than when I was pg with my DS and when I had the chemical pg back in July. It was 33 days.

Where do we go from here? I am not sure. My DH and I are meeting with my RE this coming Tuesday. My DH hasn't given up yet. Me? Not so sure. Maybe I have it in me to try IVF again. I am terrified of getting canceled again.

I have started looking into adoption. There is so much information to comb through. So many decisions to make. It is a long and expensive process.

I know many ladies who have been trying to have a child for a while now. They are having those same feelings I had. It hits around that 6th month of trying. Panic. I understand what they are going through. I try to tell them everything they are feeling is normal. I know it doesn't help.

I am to the point where I think along the lines of why should I be pg this month when it hasn't happened yet? It is easier to think and believe that than to continue to get your hopes up time and time again. I have a wonderful DS coming up on a 2nd birthday. I am grateful and blessed each and every day for him. But I also can't stop thinking....I should have had a 2nd by now and trying for a 3rd.

The best solution I can think of is to start smoking crack and do everything you aren't supposed to do when trying to have a child. It seems as though that is the key to getting pg.