The Last Day

From a post on March 7, 2005 -
We took mom back to the hospital Saturday around 1PM. She was getting weaker and weaker after doing so well Friday! She began to act very confused and started having trouble breathing.
Long story short - she has sepsis. That is bacteria in her blood and her blood is poisining her. She had to be intubated again. They tried to take the breathing tube out yesterday, but she wasn't strong enough to breathe on her own. They are going to try again today. Her kidneys are showing signs of failure and her electrolytes are all out of whack. She has 2 IV blood pressure medications keeping her BP up. She is on 3 IV antibiotics and a ton of other IVs. I counted 8 bags yesterday hanging and going. Thank goodness she is sedated.
She is getting an Echo done of her heart valves today. This is the second time she has had sepsis so the Dr is concerned her aortic valve and mitral valves are damaged. She had replacement mitral valve surgery in 2000 and shortly after that surgery they discovered her aortic valve was problematic. Depending on what this Echo shows, we may have some hard decisions to make.

March 8, 2005 -
I was at the hospital with mom and her Dr came into her ICU room. You could hear the hustle and bustle of phones ringing and nurses talking in the background. All I could hear was the ventilator breathing for mom. Her room was quiet except for that noise. I remember looking at all of the monitors. They were mesmerizing; heart rate, breathing rate, oxygen saturation, blood pressure....you name it...there was a machine to tell you what was going on.

I was waiting for the results of the cat scan; the second one since mom had been admitted again the previous Saturday. The Dr. seemed calm and forlorn. I couldn't tell you everything he said, and to this day I remember only two things; I am so sorry to have to tell you your mom has suffered several massive strokes. We think it is from an infection she developed from her PIK line (permanent IV line). The Dr. couldn't believe she had developed clots since she was kept on blood thinners and her blood was very thin at the time. This confirmed what I already knew. My mom was already gone.

Hours passed and I just sat with her.

My relatives were called. My sister was arriving from NJ tomorrow. My aunt from Texas was doing the same. My mother's other two sisters were coming up from downstate tomorrow evening to see mom. It wasn't looking good.

I decided it was enough and that the machines would be turned off tomorrow once the family got to see her one more time. That was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life.

I also decided to issue a DNR (do not resuscitate) order. If something were to happen overnight, I didn't want anyone to do anything more. Enough is enough.

I left the hospital that night around 10PM. I wanted to be back in the morning so I could see mom before getting my sister and aunt from the airport.

I remember it so vividly. I don't think I will ever forget my mom's last full day of life.