One Year Ago

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. I couldn't fall off and I must have got up at least 5 times to look at the clock. I know it is because I have a lot on my mind.

I find myself thinking about what was going on one year ago at the very moment I look at the clock. For example, last year on this same day, Friday, it was March 5. I went to work like I always do. Last year, I made sure there was soup on the counter, and a pre-made sandwich in the fridge. My mom was home from the hospital and the care person I hired was coming again for the day. She would help my mom get dressed, eat, give her meds, and keep her company. Little did I know then I would be taking my mom BACK to the hospital tomorrow for the last time. I feel like it was yesterday, but a whole year has passed. The memories are still so very vivid. Time passes so quickly when you look back but moves so slowly when looking forward.

It was just about one year ago when I was waiting for AF to visit so I could start my first Clomid cycle to TTC #2.

It was just about one year ago when I made a connection with someone I won't ever forget. I read a few blogs. Most of them deal with infertility, one deals with a second pregnancy, and another deals with a loss of a child. This woman lost her child 20 hours after giving birth to him. My mother died on the day this child was born. I feel I have a deep rooted connection to this woman although we haven't experienced the same things.

I started 6 emails to her yesterday, but couldn't find the words I wanted to write. I still haven't emailed. I don't know if I will. She is a wonderful, giving, and strong individual. After feeling so down yesterday, I just wanted to know how she manages to get through the really hard days. Everytime I typed, how do you do it, I would close and cancel out of the email. How could I even compare myself to this woman? We have both been through pain. We are both trying desperately to have another child and have not yet been successful. The difference....I have a wonderful and beautiful son that I can hug in person every single day.

I feel so selfish at times. Some people don't even get that chance. I am thankful and grateful everyday.....And feeling terribly guilty for wanting more. And that makes me feel worse.

Even after typing this, I have pondered whether or not to even post it to the blog. And with that, I will click on Save as Draft.....

I guess a true blog is one where you put everything down whether it sounds right or not. I guess that means I will not delete it like I did all those emails.

I did plant a tree for my friend's child today. I also planted one for my mom. I planted both of them in the Children's Forest through the Jewish National Fund. It won't bring back either one of them, but the tree will serve as a living memory of both.