Signs and Karma

I am not a believer in signs, per se. I don't read horrorscopes (yep...horror) and I believe myself to be a very black and white person - I gate grey. I am analytical and think things through carefully. While I may be quick to make a decision, it is not without a great deal of thought and careful consideration. I come across as tenacious and tough. I have a hard shell and nothing rocks me in public. In private, many things pull at my heart strings and I cry at the drop of a hat. I crumble when things are done.

I held it together when my mom was in and out of the hospital more times than I can count and was close to death. I remember holding it together when my mom died. I made all the arrangements with Tom and my aunt by my side. I held it together during the 2+ years of TTC a biological child after JT was born - sure I would break down by myself once a cycle when I knew I wasn't pg, but dealt with the pokes, meds, and dildocam appts with a smile on my face.

T very much believes in karma long before Earl came along. I giggle at it because if good things are supposed to happen with good karma, then where is ours? Are we not good enough? I don't really want to discuss why or why not we are or are not good enough, but that is my line of thinking. Karma is not tangible enough for me.

And then all the things I say I am on the outside crumbles with listening to the radio this morning. I am sitting at work typing this fighting back the tears. I start wondering if signs and karma are really things that do happen.

Every year, we have a local radio station (www.wtmx.com) that does a 36-hour radiothon for Children's Memorial Hospital. Every year I listen and swear I will not listen the following year and I always seem to throw that out the window. I was listening on my way to work this morning and heard of several stories - some with happy endings, but most with not-so-happy endings.

S and M lost their child one year ago today. They had to say goodbye to little Ryan David. As I listened to a story from a mom and dad who lost not one, but two children to the same disease even after genetic testing was done on the parents to prove they don't carry this specific gene, the mom said, "sure I'd love to see them again, but they left us with so many gifts."

S found out her father passed away yesterday. Today, she has to face the loss of her father and first anniversary of the loss of her son. And I am listening to a radiothon talking about children who are fighting for their life. My heart is breaking for S and M. It is not fair that they have to deal with this now (or ever).

A sign? Perhaps.

My heart strings are tugged. I couldn't help but call the 800 number (technically 888) and make a donation. We don't have a lot of extra money right now with the adoption and $10,000+ RE bills we still need to pay, but I gave as much as we could for Ryan and Thomas and all of the other children in the past and future who may be helped and for those who have left us gifts.

Is a donation good karma? Perhaps. I know T will think so.

It is a sad day for me and I will do anything and everything I can to try to make it better for everyone.

And you better believe JT is getting some extra snuggles, hugs, and kisses tonight and every night.