Me Time Gets Me In Trouble
I have been up since about 6AM. We had trouble getting JT to sleep last night. My guess is the two cookies he had at the Holiday Party at school did him in! He is still sleeping and T just left to get his driver license renewed (what a pain in the ass). I have pretty much had some time to myself this morning and made my TODO list and Honey Do list for the day. I also spent time looking at the four pictures we have of A.
We are giving my ILs a frame with 4 picture slots in it. We decided to put a picture of JT at about one month old in the frame along with a recent picture of JT wearing his "I'm the big brother shirt". We will also put a picture of A in the frame. The last spot in the frame will be reserved for a picture of A when we bring him home.
I spent a lot of time this morning looking at pictures of JT at one month old and the four of A we have (at one month old). They really do look different. A looks much older than one month in his face and eyes (not his size). I can't help but wonder if we got an accurate birthdate for A. I wonder if he was born pre-mature even though we are told he was not. I can't stop focusing on A's "extra large" left ear which, according to the adoption pediatrician, is perfectly normal. I can't help but think something is wrong with A and we weren't told. While it doesn't matter if something is wrong, I just want to be prepared. And why can't I stop looking at his ear? It really is larger than the right - by alot.
I think what kind of mother would say that about her child? How awful is that? And why can't I stop focusing on it? Is it my way of being cautious because I know ANYTHING can happen from now until we travel? I just don't feel like I am bonded to A and want to be so very much! I read blogs of mom's and dad's that are head over heels in love with the pictures they have seen. They ooh and aah over their referral. While I am absolutely thrilled to have another son, I am just not oohing and aahing.....yet. I hold onto the thought that I will feel differently when I hold my son for the very first time (and hope his ear isn't as bad as in the pics - sounds terrible I know).
I am questioning my feelings and hoping it will change. I am telling myself I am not a bad mom for feeling this way, but I don't believe it.
I am questioning my feelings and hoping it will change. I am telling myself I am not a bad mom for feeling this way, but I don't believe it.
posted by RollerCoaster @ 7:23 AM
6 Comments:
Nina! It's fine that you are looking at his ear! We all look at our children with a fine tooth comb. It's more about loving them despite their imperfections.
I do hope however that you're suspicions are wrong. Maybe A will just look older. S never looked like a newborn either! He always was assumed older b/c he looked older in the face. I also hope that A's ear is just big! I'm sure your ped. here in the states will make sure that A is just as healthy as can be!!
Everything will be FINE!!!
You are absolutely positively not a bad mom. You can be in love with the idea and in love with a picture but loving your new son will happen when you hold him. We haven't gotten a referral yet but I'm sure I'll feel very cautious and worried too, until I'm finally leaving Vietnam. And, if it makes you feel better, my youngest dd had one cheek that was puffier than the other and I can't tell you how much I stared at that and worried about how long it would stay that way *lol*
You say that you aren't "oohing and ahhing" yet but I beg to differ. After seeing you show the pictures of A to our friends the other night and hearing you gush, I would say you ARE one of those mommies! :-) I think if anything, you are being cautious with your feelings. Your new son is gorgeous!
Nina-
I don't think you are being a bad mom at all. I think it is perfectly natural to be cautious and reserved about A. I know that the minute you hold him it will be instant love.
I always thought DS looks old for his age. To this day people think he is 3 and he is barely almost 2.
Relax and enjoy the nesting, pretty soon you will be to busy to just relax a little bit! :)
I agree with everyone else...you are not a bad mom to have these thoughts. I have frequent 'worries" that our referral photo will be of a baby I will not feel instantly connected too....and (shhh don't tell R this) I often think that if we have a baby biologically, how horrible it will be if it has R's big ears. LOL
Will you be getting more photos soon? That might help ease your fears about his ear and his "older" look....let's be honest, we have all seen photos of babies that we KNOW are adorable in person but look well....not so adorable in a photo!
I do not think you are being a bad mom. Not by a long shot. For one thing, you are being cautious with your heart, and that is important. You are savvy enough to know that anything can happen between now and the time you land in Vietnam. I am sure that once that baby is in your arms, you will fully begin the bonding process.
I don't feel "in love" with our daughter, yet, either. Right now she is a picture, a file, a child I will come to know and love. But, I have trouble allowing myself to bond to closely to a photograph. (I will tell you that when Gabe was first born, right from my body, I expected I would love him instantly. I didn't. (Don't tell HIM that.) I fell in love with him bit by bit, minute by minute - it was six months before I felt truly and completely bonded to him. I am expecting it will take me a while to fully bond with Lan. I think that motherhood can hit you like a brick, and sometimes love will grow gradually. Maybe it's true that some moms are instantly in love with their children, biological or adoption, but, that was not my experience with my biological child, so, I am anticipating a gradual bonding process with Lan as well.
(I'm not sure who this big long tirade is for, me or you!)
Take care,
Gretchen
Post a Comment
<< Home