Big News

I think I have written this blog entry in my head over 50 times and re-written it on my computer at least 10.

There is no easy way for me to say what I need to say. If I were you, I would get a cup of coffee or the beverage of your choice, sit down, relax, and enjoy the ride I am about to take you on.

Here goes.

I found out I am pregnant.

Are you shocked?

I know I was. I know T was as well.

I started this blog back in August of 2005. I was about to embark on my very first IVF cycle. T and I had been trying to have our second child for about one and half years at that point. We had already been through one natural Clomid cycle, one Clomid cycle with IUI when it was discovered I had “hostile” cervical mucus (you remember that Friends episode?), and three injectible cycles with IUI. The specialist told us our best chance for having another child was with IVF.

That IVF cycle got canceled because my body just wouldn’t produce eggs. We tried our second IVF cycle a month or so later and on that cycle with a different medication routine, I produced a whopping one egg. We got canceled from IVF again and got switched to IUI. I sought out a second opinion from another specialist and was told it certainly seems like I was going through pre-mature ovarian failure. We made a final ditch effort with IVF and at least this time, I had four eggs! Unfortunately, they could only retrieve one egg. It did fertilize and was transferred back. I didn’t get pg.

I had two specialists and one OBGYN tell me the chances of T and I getting pg was slim to none – and that was with the help of medications and medical advances.

We decided to pursue adoption because we wanted to grow our family. We wanted JT to be able to share what T and I had growing up with siblings. We wanted more children. So we began our adoption journey.

Everyone has things going on in their lives. This year has seemed especially rough in terms of ups and downs for us. Adoption has its rollercoaster moments in and of itself. While we breezed through our home study, USCIS took over three months to get us our I-171H. Our first agency had an explosion of families wanting to adopt and their waiting list quadrupled in 3 months! We switched to another agency and got our referral within weeks since they didn’t have any parents “paper ready”.

All during this time, we have also been dealing with JT’s developmental issues and the transition to the school district. JT is transitioning well and we can only hope he eventually catches up to his peers. If he doesn’t, we will be sure to give him every opportunity to develop to his fullest potential. We are keeping him in private therapy which, unfortunately, is not covered by insurance.

Then there is good ‘ol Lefty. What a pain in the ass Lefty has been (no pun intended). It started out with a scare and ended up being an infection that won’t go away. I am still dealing with it although it is a little bit on hold because there is nothing that can be done at this time. We have to wait for surgery or this wound vac thing. My surgeon is currently not on my insurance and is waiting to be accepted as in-network as I type. Both my surgeon and OBGYN have to discuss what is best for the little bean and me.

That about sums up the year pretty well.

Believe me when I say this has been a very difficult month or two or three. T and I have been doing a lot of talking and thinking.

We notified both our placement agency and home study agency that we are pg as required in our contracts. Our placement agency was going to allow us to continue with the adoption. I am not necessarily comfortable with the conversation I had with the placement agency because I am not quite sure everything is on the up and up, but it doesn’t matter. Our home study agency stopped our adoption.

To make a very long story short, each agency has rules that must be followed. In addition, there are rules that must be followed in our state and I guess our Department of Child and Family Services (DCFS) dictates many of those rules. All of this has to do with “major life events” and we have too many in our family in too short of a time period.

Our hearts are broken. We have been mourning the loss of A and celebrating this life growing inside of me. Before finding out what the agencies would make us do, T and I did a lot of thinking anyway.

We want what is best for everyone – especially the children. It certainly isn’t A’s fault I got pg. If we had our choice and finances and time, we wouldn’t even bat an eye at completing the adoption. Unfortunately, we DO have things to consider like finances and time. I worried how JT would react to two children….two infants coming into our home within 6 months of each other. Would JT fall further behind and regress? Would two new infants help his developmental delays? Would A need Early Intervention? Will this child inside of me have the same issues as JT? How would we find the time to work with JT with two infants in the house? Could we afford extra money to continue with JT’s therapy, pay off the adoption debt, pay for the care of three children, and all the other stuff that goes along with it? While we can’t predict exactly what would happen, we definitely talked at length about it all and even went over the finances a few more times. We spoke with JT’s therapists to see if they could shed some light on the situation.

We were ready to proceed with the adoption.

As it turns out, it wasn’t our decision. The home study agency made the decision for us. Maybe that is better. Maybe it isn’t. We were reassured by my placement agency that they would find a home for him. I have since found out that they have found a home for him. The family is wonderful and we are fortunate enough to be in contact with them. It is so kind of A’s new family and I will be eternally grateful. I can’t talk about it much because it is not my place to talk about. I am just relieved he will be with his new family soon. It is tough. A already felt like a member of the family and now he won’t be. We have truly lost our child. This has definitely put a bit of a damper on the full effect of the joy we have in being pg.

I sometimes feel guilty I am pregnant. It may sound ridiculous, but it is true. Maybe it was irresponsible of us not to use birth control. But when you have three different doctors tell you your chances are slim to none of getting pg with medical help, then why go on birth control? I was taken off of the pill after my 3rd IVF attempt because it was raising my blood pressure. I always have a reaction to condoms. My mom almost died of pelvic inflammatory disease when I was a kid because of an IUD.

At the same time, T said we’ve won the lottery. After being told by all of the “experts” that adoption was really our only option, it’s thrilling to actually be pregnant again.

Anyway, I think this entry is long enough. I am due at the end of September. While our adoption journey has been put on hold for a long while, I will have a pregnancy journey for you. And hey….I am always good for a good roller coaster story, right?

Never fear, this blog will continue. However, it is going to take a different turn. I won’t be able to blog about our impending travel to Vietnam just yet. Instead, you may get an eyeful of the latest OBGYN appointment and ultrasound (I get 5 more because I am considered old). Of course, there will always be JT stories and more Lefty updates until the darn thing goes away. I am also still reading all the Vietnam adoption blogs I have time for and go from one to the next in hopes for a good coming home story or the latest news a blogger wants to share.

Thanks again for taking the time to read. While I know some of you may get off of this rollercoaster I call my life, I hope others still find some humor and inspiration in what I put down here.